It was around 5:00 pm on Sunday, Mother’s Day, when I entered Michaels Craft Store and noticed a man had entered after me. He did not follow me but I did see him while I was shopping. I bought what I needed and proceeded to leave the store. When I was waiting to cross into the parking lot, he then approached me — he was a man in his 30s and around 6’ tall. He began to shout, “YOU F*CKING CH*NK GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY!” I froze and was terrified and went to my car completely distraught and didn’t know what to do since I was alone. I am 17 years old and I am of mixed race: Japanese, Filipino, Mexican & Russian.
One Asian American Woman's Voice
I came to America in 1962 as a bride, having married an American I had met at New Asia College in Hong Kong. My knowledge about American society was miserably thin and vague, but I did hear bits and pieces about racial prejudice in the South against its Black citizens, who were not allowed to mix with its White citizens. On the bus, the Whites sat in the front, the non-Whites in the back. Because I, as a Chinese, was considered “colored,” I would have had to be seated separately from my White husband. I thought then, since my husband and I were not going to live in the South, that that would not be a problem for me. But after living in New York for a few months, I was called “Madame Butterfly” at a dinner table by the frowning grandmother of my husband’s college friend. I pretended not to hear her.
That was 59 years ago. Since then, my Asian appearance has attracted unwelcome attention, even living far away from the American South. For more than half a century, I have lived in an affluent town in New Jersey, in a Victorian house with a garden and yard which slopes down to the street. After we moved in, the house was egged and racial epithets scrawled on the sidewalk. A store clerk referred to me as “you people.” Once when I gardened near the street, White youths in a car yelled at me to go back to where I came from as they drove by. Twice I have been accosted in parking lots by young Whites screaming racial obscenities. As a result, I learned to wear a big floppy hat and large sunglasses to cover my face whenever I leave home or garden. Another time when I was out without my hat in front of my home chatting with an African-American landscaper, a car screeched to a stop, and a White woman ran up to us and said that she wanted to hire us to work in her garden. After learning that I was the home’s owner, she concluded that I must be a Republican and asked me to join her to work for her candidate. When I told my White American friends that my children were being bullied in school for being half Chinese, I received a reply neither of outrage nor indignation, only a dismissive excuses that “children are mean sometimes.”
For decades I treated these events as one would the annoying flies and mosquitoes of daily life. But for the past four years, during Trump’s presidency, I experienced increased rejection, rudeness, and the feeling that I was being viewed as an alien in my own country. Simply cashing a check became an unpleasant experience at the bank where I had done business for decades. I was made to stand for twenty minutes after I gave the cashier all the documents he asked for, including my bank card, check book, and driver’s license. They were apparently not enough, as the cashier checked and double-checked the computer screen that clearly showed that my accounts more than covered the withdrawal. As he continued to scrutinize, I asked if there was something wrong, but he did not answer; instead, he called for the bank’s manager, who came out, looked me over, then peered at the screen with the cashier. I waited, puzzled, feeling that I was being singled out. After they finally gave me my cash, I asked the manager why I was being so rudely treated. He replied that it was for my benefit, since there were so many clever crooks these days. So, I was left to conclude that my Chinese face must have been the reason I looked so clever. More recently, a sheet of paper covered with handwritten, childish gibes was dropped through my mail slot. I was quite shaken by the personal invasion, and even though it turned out that it was a prank by local children, the awful feeling of having been targeted has not left me, particularly since I have been targeted before.
Having lived in America for six decades as a legal citizen, I now feel as foreign as when I first came to this country. I had learned to keep my silence, but reading about the recent anti-Asian violence that I believe can be traced back to the words of former President Trump, I want to add my voice against those attacks and the prejudice that underlies them. I want my fellow Americans to hear our anguish, with empathy and without minimization. It was heartening for me recently to hear the outrage and anger from my friends when I told them about the paper through my mail slot and how it had shaken me. Nevertheless, for the first time since I can remember, I have been asking myself whether I am still an alien in a foreign land, rooted precariously in thin soil, subject to exclusion or even physical harm by the cruel wind of discrimination. I know, though, that I am just one of millions of Asian-Americans who believe that our beloved America is our home, a country to which we belong and fiercely love.
"Silence and indifference from leadership may actually encourage hate."
I am Chinese and I work in NYC. In January 2020, people started to pay attention to the outbreak in China. My coworker who sit next to me asked me why people eat wild life in China. She then commented, "Why don't you tell your people to go back to China and not come spread the virus?" I later realized that she said the same thing to a Korean coworker. I reported this incident to her manger and human resource and told them that I don't feel safe sharing the same office space with her. Management made "an arrangement" so that she would sit further away from me but still in the same space. I was so disappointed at this institution that claims to promote racial justice but ends up tolerating discriminating behavior like this. Silence and indifference from leadership may actually encourage hate. The system has to change first for individuals to change.
Does hiding our nationality keep us safe?
I wasn't there when it happened, but my dad was taking my mom to the memorial hospital in Long Beach to get a check up on her diabetes and get a refill on her medicine when an old man told him to go back to Korea. Security escorted the man away but it's shocking to hear it still that someone would say that in public. After they told my husband and I about it, my mother warned me, "Don't dye your hair back to black for a while and to just leave it blonde so that if and when we go out no one will know right away that you’re Asian.” Like how messed up is that?? That's how some of us are thinking nowadays, that we would have to hide our nationality to just stay safe.
More unprovoked, targeted hate
On April 19 at around 10:30pm, I was on the Boston T Orange line. At the Chinatown stop, a man got onto the train along with a middle-aged Asian woman (I was already on the train, and by then there were around 7-10 people on the train). The Asian woman sat a few seats next to me, and the man saw her first and either attempted to kick or fake-kicked her while saying, "Get outta here," very aggressively. He took another step, saw me and did the same to me. He took two more steps and looked like he wanted to turn around and perform the same action again. But then two other men sitting in the next row of seats gave him a stern "Hey,” and then the man continued to move forward and did not re-approach us.
One stop later, the man got off the same stop as me and when he got off, he kept looking around, and I had to very consciously avoid his line of sight in fear of him re-attacking. Thankfully he did not turn around and kept going in a different direction than where I was going.
Targeted while on a jog
I was jogging on the streets when I heard someone yelling out of their car window. I noticed it was a lady yelling at me saying, "I don't know why my country let you people in.” I think she said some other things but I can't remember exactly. She drove away and yelled, "Yeah, keep running!” This was on an empty street where it was just me running and she was the only car there.
Cornered on the subway
I was on public transportation in the early afternoon, on my way home from work at the hospital. A male-presenting person in the same subway car as me got up from their seat and started screaming "ching chong" at me. They then pulled out their phone and started recording me as they continued to shout and advance closer. I did not feel safe engaging with the person, but I also did not want to report them to the transport police as I was worried about what would happen to them should police become involved. I tried to ignore them as best as I could until they eventually exited the subway.
"Just because I am Asian does not mean I have the virus."
I am a college student who attends school in New York and lives in California with my parents. Back in March, I was coming home for spring break with all my belongings when the pandemic had just begun in America (and my school was going online for the entire semester). I went into the plane with a mask on, and I sat down in my seat next to a lady. She looked at me as if I had the virus and she looked very uncomfortable sitting next to me just because I had a mask on. She then went on to texting her husband (the font on her phone was so big that I could clearly see everything and see literally had her back towards me) that, "There is an Asian girl sitting next to me". Then her husband replied, "Tell her to switch seats with [daughter's name].” They were sitting next to each other but there was a row between them. I honestly was very shocked and mad to experience this kind of hate that I've never experienced as someone living in NY and CA.
Just because I am Asian does not mean I have the virus. Just because I had a mask on does not mean I am sick. I didn't know what to do back then, so I just acted like I was sleeping so that she can't ask me to switch seats with her daughter. Now that I think about it, although she didn't do anything to me or say anything to me, I could feel the hate she had towards me because of my race and my mask. Seeing the texts also really made me feel that she and her husband have no knowledge and were just targeting me because I am "Asian." I really hope she learned by now that she should not do this and express her hate towards specific races only because of her fear or whatever it is.
A Toxic Workplace
I worked in an accounting/finance department of a non-profit organization. Back in late February or early March of 2020, a new accounting manager came on board. A few days after his introductory walkabout at the corporate location with the Recruiting Manager he was walking over to his large cubicle that happened to be adjacent to mine, and as he did, he looked my way and called me "coronavirus.” He continued with the other derogatory comments all through the year often talking about me behind my back with other managers and staff in the organization alluding that I didn't know what I was doing and trying to blame other people's mistakes on me. He called me inefficient and inflexible and tried to give me a very poor performance rating so that I wouldn't be eligible for the merit increase in 2021.
"We have never felt more invisible."
My 11-year-old daughter came home crying from school repeatedly because children in her class said they hoped COVID would go back to China and kill all the Chinese people. They also said Chinese people are dirty, lying cheaters who can't be trusted. I reported it to the school administration and never even got a response to my email asking for support. We have never felt more invisible.
"Go back to your f***cking restaurant"
Shopping at local grocery market, was in the aisle next to beers. White man talking loudly on phone comes to the middle of the aisle near where I'm standing and starts asking his buddy on the phone what kind of beer to get. I ask him to keep his distance given that he didn't have a mask. He turns to me, and says on his phone, "Hold on, I've got this oriental MFer bitching to me." I quickly leave the aisle, but the man follows me, yelling things like, "Hey Ching Chang Chong, go back to your f***ing restaurant and make me some chicken fried rice.”
A Violent, Unprovoked Encounter
During shelter in place + working from home, lunch walks have become my ritual to stay healthy and to clear the mind. I was on my daily walk and crossed the street at an intersection. A man had just turned the corner so I moved to the edge of the sidewalk to make room. It looked like he was walking closer to me, so I tried to make more space between us. Before I knew it, he had lunged toward me and kicked me in the arm, and muttered something as he walked away. In shock, I gasped and looked back at him to see him glaring back at me. I wish I would have done something or could have said more, but I froze and continued walking, breaking into a light jog to get the rest of the way home when I realized his actions were most likely racially-charged. I am Cambodian/Chinese. I was texting a friend before the incident so I called her and she stayed on the phone until I got home safely.
Blamed for coronavirus at a Taco Bell
I was at a Taco Bell with two friends and had just received my drink cup while waiting for my food. There were two other customers in the store, both white men. As I pushed the button on the soda dispenser, one of the men yelled, “The oriental touched the dispenser! Someone stop her!” As I turned around confused and as my friends moved around me to block this man from getting closer to me, the man pointed at me and yelled, “She started this whole thing!”
This was a complete stranger who blamed the Covid-19 pandemic on me just based on seeing my Asian eyes peeking out from my mask at a fast food place in South Chicago. I made eye contact with the other white man waiting for my food his food several times during the whole ordeal. Each time, he immediately broke eye contact and went back to scrolling through his phone. That hurt too.
"Take a joke."
A male cashier at an big chain store told a customer to "take a joke" after asking if canned cat food was the customer's lunch. This is the 2nd or 3rd time this has occurred. The cashier is a former manager, too. Seemed like everything he learned went out the door.
No way out and no one willing to intervene
I was taking the subway home from the airport when a White man (not wearing a mask) started verbally harassing me. He started singing about America and continually said things like, “Get out of my country and go back to where you came from," and "Thanks for killing us all.” When I didn't respond, he said "We speak AMERICAN here, you know that?" and made fun of my name that was on my suitcase saying, "What kind of a name is that!” He also banged on the windows and stomped his feet to make as much noise as possible.
The subway had an emergency button to talk to the operator, but unfortunately he was sitting in front of it. I felt uncomfortable speaking out or taking action because I was sitting in the corner and was afraid he would try to prevent me from leaving. I think the worst part was when I tried to look around for help, I saw everyone else in the car with headphones in, heads down, completely ignoring the situation. I was able to leave the car safely, but it has made me concerned about the safety of fellow AAPIs and I feel like we can't hope that others will intervene on our behalf.